Soodhalter’s Informagoriam

Husband and family try to calm her enough to explain that groom hired photographer.

Not more than a week after decrying the lifting of the veil from her honeymoon by resort staff taking pictures, the former Britney Spears has again issued a strong statement condemning what she calls, “An utter violation of the sanctity of my wedding.”

Responding to questions as to why she did not ask the man to leave, Spears said that amid the excitement surrounding the event, she did not really notice his presence. She did not find out about the photographer until she returned from her honeymoon. She received a phone call from him stating that he had taken the photos and placed them on his personal website for people to look at and to purchase prints. The man allegedly offered her one thousand photos free and then to charge her a special rate on further pictures. “The fact that someone would just sell my wedding photos is disgusting!” says Spears through her publicist.

Those closest to her, including husband Kevin Federline, have not yet been able to calm her from her anger. “If she would just calm down and listen, I am sure we could explain to her that we hired him as a wedding photographer,” said her husband. He continued, “It’s hard to believe she does not remember; she and I interviewed this guy to be our photographer.” Marriage officials are not surprised, however, saying that she scored ‘marginal’ on the marriage competency exam, required in order to get a license. Hopefully, once this latest controversy calms down, Britney and Kevin will be able to settle down into marital bliss.

The middle-schoolers who were prank calling me during their slumber parties are at it again.

Perhaps a bit of background would be appropriate here. Sometime last year, around October, I got a phone call. After some initial conversation, I thought it was one of my younger relations, perhaps a cousin. The girl then asked if I had an itty-bitty titty. I said no. Then she asked if I had an eeny beeny weenie. I said no and asked the person to identify herself. She said, “Oh, you must wear the big condoms.” I realized this was not someone I knew. I was amused though, mainly because this girl probably only had the vaguest notion of what she was talking about.

I asked if she was in middle school, since that is when I did the same thing with my friends. Once, we even got a call from the police after engaging in a two-hour marathon in the early AM hours. Anyhow, after a bit more discussion, I got off the phone. Over the next few weeks, I got a few more phone calls. They were concentrated around weekend periods, leading me to believe that they were coinciding with sleepovers. I usually was brief and hung up since they were catching me while I was working. Then they stopped.

While I was over at Jennifer’s house for a New Years celebration, they left a message on my answering machine. Apparently, they decided my name is ‘Kurtis’. They all got on the speakerphone to say, “This is your prank-callers, and we just wanted to say, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” They hung up. I have not heard from them since.

Today, while I was reading the “New Yorker”, I got a call. The girl on the other end asked to speak to ‘Kurtis’. Due to the rash of telemarketing calls I have been getting, I thought this was just a particularly stupid caller who was not reading the screen carefully. I identified myself as Kirk. She asked me who Kirk was. I told her “Kirk is probably the person whose name you think is Kurtis.” She told me that ‘Elizabeth’ had dared her to call me. Then she mumbled gibberish while laughing. I hung up, since I was reading a long article. This would actually annoy me if it did not provide more fodder to laugh about and to tell Amanda, who finds it so amusing.

Matha goes hardcore

The Alderson Federal Prison Camp investigators are looking into allegations of for irregular trading practices by the jailed homemaker.

Warden Grey Redgreen knew he would have trouble on his hands from the moment that Martha Stewart arrived into his custody. From the initial hose down, when she recommended a mineral filter to allow the soap to produce more suds, to the time when he laid down the rules, when she recommended a homemade chemical compound to help his badge shine more brilliantly. “I told the female guards in charge of her daily activities to watch out for this one. She’s resourceful and might cause trouble,” says Redgreen. He did not realize just how big an effect she would have on the prison community.

Within the first three days, Stewart had established herself as the leader of the most powerful of the prison factions, the Retentive Badgers. She did so by attacking her predecessor with nunchaku she fashioned from her bedsprings. The young lady has since been transferred to another prison. Since there were no witnesses, Stewart only spent two weeks in the hole. When guards opened the door to take her back to her prison cell, they found that she had cleaned the walls, floor and ceiling of the hole to the point of being spotless. “The interior smelled like wildflowers,” says Redgreen. Stewart also to appeared to have showered somehow and had fashioned some new prison clothing out of discarded paper, dirt, water, and skin.

Once back in the general population, Stewart quickly began using the clout of her faction to take over and control the vibrant contraband trade market that exists in the prison. The main commodity of any prison is the cigarette, which serves as currency among the inmates. Stewart quickly began hoarding cigarettes in her cell. Once she had acquired a critical mass, she began extending cigarette loans to other inmates at the exorbitant interest rate of two butts per cigarette per day.

She then took control of the Pepto Bismol market. Pepto Bismol is a popular substance in prisons all over the world. According to Warden Redgreen, “We have spent many prison warden seminars trying to figure out why the inmates treasure the stuff, to no avail.” Regardless of why it is popular, Stewart had, by all accounts, improved the efficiency of the Pepto market, and the contraband market as a whole, by one hundred-fold, at least. At the height of her power she had an estimated two hundred fifty women working for her through the faction. Then she made one fatal mistake.

One morning, Martha received a clandestine communication by means of a prison library book from the captain in charge of acquisitions for the leading rival faction, The Dark Order of the Feather. According to the note, the Order was planning to acquire a large shipment of Pepto Bismol and dump it on the prison market, creating a Pepto glut that could have cost Martha’s faction upwards of twenty cartons of cigarettes. Though the Martha prison empire could weather such an ordeal, Stewart ordered her minions to get rid of all the Pepto Bismol they had in stock.

When Warden Redgreen heard what had happened, he knew he had to act fast. “Ms. Stewart had broken the first rule of prison black market trading; do not act on inside information.” The prison investigation turned up the note Martha had received with the damning information. She has since tried to imply that she had ordered the sale of the goods weeks before, anticipating such a move by the rival faction. Prison guards have seized all of her cigarette stash and have isolated her in the hole, since renamed the “sterile cube”. The Retentive Badgers have disbanded and gone their separate ways leaving Martha to wonder, “Was it worth it to avoid losing twenty cartons of cigarettes?” She will have the rest of her stay in prison to ponder the answer, three weeks to be exact.

No, this is not the title of an episode of the Simpsons.

I just received an update from one Lisa Komoroski on her state of affairs. In the past week, she has bid farewell to good old New Orleans. The city is losing a quite a denizen.

At present, Lisa has returned to her family estate in Buffalo, New York for a little family and snow. Though she did not say, I believe she will be building a snowman and possibly a snow fort. I will have to confirm these allegations. She is also running around trying to get everything done as she is planning to leave for Thailand. She should be able to settle all of those lawsuits by the end of the week by means of some litigious dexterity on the part of her lawyer, Ellington Barnesworth III.

Next Tuesday, Lisa will be off to Thailand, Bangkok in particular. One of her primary goals on this trip will be to get a perspective on how our country (USA #1 woohoo!) is viewed from the outside. Many of us could stand to spend a bit of time outside our borders to become better informed on foreign affairs. She will travel around the country until she runs out of money.

In preparing to travel, Lisa has solicited advice on music and books to read during her journey. I gave her my advice, but I would solicit any advice that other’s have on the subject. I would pass such information along to her.

I look forward to hearing more about Lisa’s travails in foreign lands. She has approved my request to keep people up to date through this new site. Hopefully, the man will not shut me down before I can update folks on such things. I wish Lisa the best of luck and hope to see her again after her return.

Should people who have lost the ability to think rationally be responsible for the medical care of others?

I was on my way home from work the other day, and I stopped at the parking garage payment machine located next to the elevator bank. As I was paying the fee, two doctors stopped behind me to exchange some closing pleasantries before going their separate ways. I could not help but overhear them as they were almost directly behind me. Their conversation was ridiculous.

From what I could tell, they had both been part of some sort of meeting, at which they became acquainted. As they were parting ways, one of the doctors suggested that they exchange contact information in order to facilitate further communications. Both of them whipped out their handheld computing devices. They attempted to electronically exchange business cards. For those who do not know, this entails pointing the infrared sensor on ones devise towards that of the other person’s; then the two people press buttons on their device which ‘beams’ the virtual business card to the other computer. Certainly, this can be a useful way of acquiring contact information from others. However, in this case, the failure of the procedure led to a ridiculous conversation.

One doctor tried to explain why it was not working. He postulated that it had something to do with having administrator access to the parallel signally device; translation: I don’t know why it is not working. A second attempt at exchange was made and was also unsuccessful. The two doctors were silent for a moment as they pondered a solution to this conundrum. One of them finally suggested they just wait until the next meeting and attempt to make the exchange again.

I felt the urge to turn around and yell at them to get out a pen and some paper and jot down the pertinent information. I suppressed the urge, though. If you know me, you know I am no technophobe. I built this website and post to it daily. It is a bit scary though, when people forget how to think because of technology. It should be a tool, not a crutch. I sincerely hope these two doctors are never responsible for cutting me open.

A relative of mine whom I have never heard of has died. I am his only beneficiary. Now I will just have to send my bank account number and passwords to his barrister over in Nigeria, then the transfer can be made legally.

I will just post the text of this wonderful email to show everyone how lucky I am to have been found by this legitimate individual:

ATTN: Kirk Soodhalter

I am Barrister Kenneth J. Eket, the attorney to late Engr M. Soodhalter, a national of your country, who used to work with an Oil Servicing Company in Nigeria as an Oil expertrate. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 26th of June 2002, my client, his wife and their two Children were involved in a car accident along Lekki-Aja express-road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank here. These huge deposits were lodged particularly, with the “BANK OF INDUSTRY LTD”(BOI). Where the deceased had an account valued at about $15million dollars. The bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money.60% to me and 40% to you I will procure all necessary Legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. Base on that you are to furnish me with the below information to enable the bank transfer the fund to your account.

1)Your full name and contact address

2)Your private telephone and fax number for communication purpose

3)Your Ocupation, Age and Position

4)Private Email address

All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Best Regards,

Barrister Kenneth J. Eket

Attorney & Counselors At Law.

Key to Lincoln Memorial

Key found in pocket of seldom worn shorts belonging to Uncle Doug solves the age-old mystery of what happened to this long-lost artifact.

Last night I was at Doug and Lisa’s for dinner. At some point Doug searched in his pocket for something (perhaps a wallet). Instead, he produced a patriotic key. As far as he knew, he had not seen any such key prior to that evening. The shorts were old and not worn often, so they key could be from any time in his life.

Immediately, I realized from my History of Locks and Keys course at Tulane, that this was the fabled lost key to the Lincoln Memorial. Not long after being dedicated on May 30, 1922 by the handsome President Harding, it is believed that the night janitor, Fred Smith, stole the key. Smith took the fate of the key to his deathbed. In 1945, the key appeared briefly on the black market; however, once it attracted the attention of the authorities, the key went back underground.

With the key finally recovered, we can now put to rest one of the most persistent questions of the twentieth century. Can the monument be driven? Legend has it that a young Henry Ford donated a horseless carriage motor to be installed into the monument prior to the dedication. Once the key is inserted into the ignition (Lincoln’s right ear), the driver can place his or her buttocks into the firm hands of our sixteenth president and drive the monument at speeds of up to 16 miles per hour. I will be leaving this weekend to meet with parks officials about holding a ‘driving’ ceremony. I can finally live out my life long dream of driving a monument.

The Normal Curve for Action Movie Stars

Star of such hits as “The Fast and the Furious”, “XXX” and “Awakenings”, in his new film begins a downward spiral that will eventually lead to some roles in pornographic films, says a leading celebrity sociologist.

March 4, 2005 is a day that carries different significance for various people. For some, it is another in a line of birthdays. For others it represents a non-birth-related anniversary of some sort. For Dr. Richard Swarthymann, sociology professor at Las Vegas Regional Technical Junior College, this day carries a special importance. It is the day that “The Pacifier”, starring Vin Diesel, achieves theatrical release, beginning what Swarthymann predicts will be a fiery career-spiral into the world of soft core hotel pornography.

Certainly, this is a bold claim, but Dr. Swarthymann has made his career on such claims. To his name, he counts the prediction of the fizzle-out of the Steve Guttenberg phenomenon five years BEFORE Guttenberg became famous. He also foresaw Hillary Swank’s resurgence in a Clint Eastwood directed boxing movie.

Swarthymann’s methods are no secret. In his book, Celebrity Statistical Analysis, he describes his use of a combination of sociology and statistical analysis to model various types of Hollywood careers. In the case of Diesel, Dr. Swarthymann applied what he calls “The Normal Curve for Action Movie Stars” (shown above). As he describes it, a star like Diesel begins with minor roles and cameos before being noticed. The star’s career accelerates until achieving a pinnacle (or supremum, in technical terms) of successful movies full of explosions; in this case “The Fast and the Furious” and “XXX”. Such movies rarely have much substance, and in some cases, have no discernable plot whatsoever. “Any movie that could have as a line of dialogue, ‘He’s like gravity, everything goes towards him,’ cannot have much of a plot,” says Swarthymann.

Swarthymann proceeds to explain how “The Pacifier” fits into his model. “We like to call this, the Schwarzeneggerian ‘Kindergarten Cop’ phenomenon. Ever since Arnold Schwarzenegger’s lighthearted turn in that movie, action stars have seen it as a necessary step to expand their appeal to star in a Disney-esque movie in which they play a tough guy in Disney situations.” According to Swarthymann, such a move is an exercise in futility for non- Schwarzeneggerian actors. Furthermore, it reduces what appeal the star does have in the action realm. This eventually leads the star down the path to B-Movies and, eventually, pornography. In Diesel’s case, Dr. Swarthymann predicts an appearance on hotel adult channels within the current decade.

When asked who the next ‘Vin Diesel’ would be, he replied, “A young high school student named Vernon McAdams from Charlotte, North Carolina. He won’t break into the business for another couple of years, though, since he needs to graduate from high school first. Also, he will be known under the stage name, Nick Stryker.”

Garvin Eric Volstaff

Student mistakenly identifies Democratic presidential candidate as comedian Jim Carrey, and casts an erroneous vote.

Garvin Eric Volstaff (face obscured for his protection), like many other MCC students of voting age, was primed to participate in the greatest privilege this country has to offer. The campus of MCC is one of the most politically charged in the country. Each week, student groups host debates where their proverbial champions battle it out in a clash of ideas.

Garvin Volstaff’s political beliefs were very much influenced by this atmosphere. Come Election Day, he felt he had a good grasp of the political landscape and was ready to make an informed decision at the ballot. What Volstaff was not prepared for was a ballot ambiguity that caused him to cast a misplaced vote for Democratic candidate John Kerry. This ambiguity led him to believe that he was casting a vote for actor/comedian Jim Carrey.

Volstaff explains that, although he was well versed in the issues surrounding this last presidential campaign, he had not followed the national debates or news programs surrounding the event. Volstaff also admitted that he does not feel a need read any form of written news, whether paper or electronic. He prefers to get his news from a close group of friends who consolidate the days events into easy to understand chunks, much in the same way a rabbit digests food into easy to excrete pellets.

Volstaff received his absentee ballot in his university mailbox. He immediately took it to his room to cast his vote. However, when he sat down to complete it, he found he was unable. Faced with a myriad of surnames, Garvin realized he was not sure which candidate supported his views. The only name he even recognized was ‘Kerry’. Mistaking the Kerry surname for that of comedian Jim Carrey, Volstaff knew his choice was clear. Being a charter member of the U.P. chapter of the Jim Carrey fan club, he knew that such a candidate would likely support views such as “no abortions performed by homosexuals”. Garvin cast his vote accordingly, not realized that he was actually voting for a pro-homosexual-abortion candidate.

Mr. Volstaff did not discover his mistake until election night when he got together with his friends to follow the results on television. Incensed, he lodged a complaint with the Michigan board of elections, stating that ambiguous ballots were disenfranchising voters. He received no response. He has since taken his fight to the streets, protesting in his small college town in order to garner support. When asked how he could think Jim Carrey was a presidential candidate when, in fact, he was born a citizen of Canada, Volstaff replied that he was unaware of this fact. Hopefully, this experience has made this young patriot a little wiser.

An Excited Paul Martin

Paul Martin gathers press from around the world to announce that Canada not affected by Prince Charles’ engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles. Press stunned, irritated.

Amid the considerable hoopla surrounding the announcement of Prince Charles’ engagement to Camilla Parker Bowles, questions have arisen as to the effect this might have on the Canadian government and its citizens. In this light, The Right Honourable Paul Edgar Philippe Martin, Prime Minister of Canada, held a full press conference to address these issues.

His Right Honourableness announced that the Prince’s impending nuptials to someone of lesser class does not affect Canada in any way. Although the Constitution Act of 1867 makes the monarch Canada’s head of state, head of the executive branch of government and commander-in-chief of the military; the title of the spouse of the monarch has no bearing on the governmental affairs or operations. In fact, if Charles was to become king, Ms. Bowles could carry any title whatsoever. His Right Honourableness suggested a few different titles that might be appropriate such as lady potentate or Camilla Gorilla.

Opinion polls carried out through the provinces of Canada seem to suggest that the population does not feel this non-issue will have any influence in their lives. Only 5% of respondents felt personally affected by this event; 25% felt that fawning over a monarchy was a waste of time; 40% had no opinion; and a surprising 20% were unaware that Prince Charles went with the ladies.

At the end of the four-hour conference, many reporters were left to ask what the purpose of such an announcement was. Mr. Martin explained that since Canada gets little attention on the world stage, this event seemed to be a good opportunity to get some publicity, especially as many outside of Canada do not yet know that Mr. Martin is the new Prime Minister.