Legal Name: Warrior Warrior
Somehow this seemed like a good idea at the time.
About a month and a half ago, the University of Connecticut College Republicans decided it would be a good idea to bring in some new viewpoints to foster a full debate of current issues that are in the spotlight. Unfortunately, this particular speaker did not, “measure up to our standards,” according to a college Republican spokesperson. The man known in his wrestling days as the Ultimate Warrior reportedly espoused views described as racist and homophobic. Perhaps before discussing this matter further, we should look back at who this Ultimate Warrior was and who he has become.
Anybody who watched wrestling in the late eighties and early nineties will remember the wrestler called the Ultimate Warrior (UW). He was enormously popular for a few years despite having limited in ring abilities. As far as I can remember, he usually would run to the ring, shake the ropes a bit, start out strong against an opponent, (maybe) get beaten up for a bit, become invincible and win the match with a big splash. There was something about this man with three moves that the fans ate up, including myself at the time. The Warrior, whose real name was Jim Hellwig began as a body builder on his way to chiropractic school before getting noticed by some pro-wrestling promoters. At one point early in his career, UW was the tag team partner and real life close friend of the wrestler later known as Sting. He showed up in the WWF in 1987, debuting in a battle royal eventually won by Bam Bam Bigelow.
His big break came in 1988. A wrestler known as Brutus “the barber†Beefcake was legitimately injured in some sort of boating accident. UW took his place and defeated the Honky Tonk man for the Intercontinental Title in 31 seconds. I remember watching that match as a child. He then went on to feud with the late “Ravishing†Rick Rude for this title. It all began at the first Royal Rumble in 1989 in Houston, Texas. I was actually at this show with my father and the Gordon boys. UW won the super pose-down, which was decided by the decibel level of the cheers each contestant got. However, Rude attacked UW with his unorthodox exercise flex bar. This set up a title match at the following Wrestlemania, which Rude won with the help of his manager Bobby “The Brain†Heenan. UW soon won the title back. According to the internet (a reliable source), UW then carried on an untelevised feud with the late 520 lb. Andre the Giant during which he was easily able to body slam the giant. I would not be surprised if the only reason this was never on television was so that Hulk Hogan could remain the only man to ever body slam him in WWF lore.
A feud was then set up between UW and Hulk Hogan, the two biggest “good guys†at the time. They met at Wrestlemania 6 in a title versus title confrontation. UW became invincible against the big leg drop and defeated Hogan with a big splash for the title (UW forfeited the IC title, which Mr. Perfect went on to win in a tournament). I remember watching UW successfully defend the world title in the dreaded steel cage against his old nemesis, Rick Rude. He held the title for about nine months, finally losing to Sergeant Slaughter, who had defected to the ‘Iraqi’ contingent of wrestlers during the real life Gulf War I (Iraqi is quoted because one of them was Iranian and I don’t know about the other one). The “Macho King†Randy Savage interfered in that match which led to a ‘retirement’ match between the he and UW. The king was summarily retired (for a few months). Soon after, though, UW disappeared amid rumors that his real life rampant steroid abuse was causing some health issues. He came back (much smaller) to save Hulk Hogan from a beating by a ‘witch doctor’ named Papa Shango and Sid Justice (who, incidentally, allegedly stabbed a wrestler named Arn Anderson multiple times with a pair of scissors in a hotel room once). He left again over some legal issues with the WWF regarding who owns the UW character. In the late nineties, he turned up once or twice more in WWF and WCW, calling himself ‘Warrior’ in the latter.
In 1993, it appears that UW may have begun to lose sight of the fact that his character, the Ultimate Warrior, was in fact a character. He changed his name from Jim Hellwig to “Warriorâ€. He now has a website where he sells Warrior exercise videos (Warrior Workouts) and espouses his unique brand of ‘Warrior Conservatism’. He also appears to be attempting to start a religion or cult based around his teachings.
This short history, which leaves out many things, brings us to last month. As part of his overall mission to espouse his beliefs, Warrior takes speaking engagements. His website states:
“Inspired by personal and professional circumstances, Warrior rechanneled his physical intensity into intellectual pursuits. Reading, learning and writing became his new workouts, The world has seen the muscle I built of Warrior, now I build his mind.â€
“Currently, Warrior is preparing for his greatest battle: to teach, lecture, and mentor those seeking the traditional truth as human beings. An avid reader of the Great Books of the Western World, he plans on bringing the ideas of the Founding Fathers, along with Aristotle, Homer, Aquinas, Thucydides, Machiavelli, Adam Smith, Russell Kirk, Friedrich Hayek, Tocqueville, Milton Friedman, Ayn Rand and many others to young people all across the country. These writings by the best original and modern thinkers of civilization exemplify the plain and powerful philosophy in which Warrior lives his own life.â€
These are authors of some fine pieces of literature and philosophy. They have become the backbone for the unique brand of conservatism that Warrior espouses. At the University of Connecticut, he showed the audience that he has taken these readings and formulated some true original gems of wisdom, such as, “Queering don’t make the world work”. Warrior then had an exchange with an audience member in which he implied that the audience member’s speech was impaired due to recent participation in homosexual activities. (Aside: Incidentally, while we are on the subject, I find it odd that someone who participated in one of the more homoerotic activities on television at the time, i.e. oiling up and grabbing other men while in his underwear, espouses somewhat antihomosexual views. No matter how one might feel about homosexuality, it is a strange turn of events.) He also felt the need to present a video montage in which he rips up the Iraqi flag. After much vitriol was spewed from both himself and the audience, including an alleged anti-Arab remark to an Iranian in the crowd, discussion returned to whether or not he still talks to Hulk Hogan (he doesn’t). On his website, Warrior claimed victory in the discussion because the liberal students did not realize they were going up against someone who cut wrestling promos for years. He had this to say to those who were against him:
“You were feisty. Irrationally so, but feisty. And all that was not in vain. Come on, admit it. You left knowing that you need people like me, people who draw an objective moral line between right and wrong, true and false, good and evil, so that you can go right along and misbehave knowing someone responsible will be there to pick up the broken pieces of your life after you’ve squandered all your chances. Lucky you - even some of those you hate will be the superglue to sustain your existence.â€
It appears as if Warrior does not realize that the workings of the real world and those of 1980’s pro-wrestling story lines are a bit different.
Of course, this event caused all sorts of controversy. All sorts of campus groups were demanding apologies, getting all out of sorts over the situation. For their part, the College Republicans (or Republicans In Name Only [RINOs] according to Warrior) issued an apology, saying they only wanted to contribute to “a respectful debate†and had been “impressed†by Warrior when they previously had seen him live.
Who in their right mind would think this was a good idea? Have these people actually seen what he used to do on television or what he writes on his website? Real Republicans, who are currently the dominant political party, have much to worry about if these are the young people who will be taking their place one day.
Exciting Graduation Graphic
2005
Sara and Julia graduate, along with all but architectural remnants of my Tulane friends. This also marks a full year since I graduated from Tulane, which is a bit scary.
Due to work considerations, I was not able to pick Amanda up from the YMCA until around 6:00PM. We had a long drive ahead of us, but we were prepared. Amanda brought snacks, and I brought music. The drive went rather smoothly. It was conducted mostly after the sun went down. Amanda and I did not even listen to music at all during the drive because we were talking the whole time. We discussed a wide range of topics ranging from political issues to funny social situations. After six hours of talking and eating at Wendy’s, we arrived at Colleen and Jane’s house on Jackson Street. The four of us sat in the dining area and talked for a couple of hours. Amanda’s foot and therapeutic boot were discussed. I also go to see a wedding invitation that can only be described as ‘wow’. All I can say is that I don’t think a description of how the groom’s body looks when he exits the shower is appropriate discussion matter for a wedding invitation. But, hey, what do I know. As the clock struck 2:26AM, Colleen finally just put her foot down and said, “Okay, there’s not going to be a natural break in this conversation. I am going to bed!†Since I could not locate Megan, who usually offers me the hospitality of her guest bed, I elected to accept the hospitality of Jane and Colleen and sleep on their couch. Jane works at an international hotel and displayed some of her skills acquired in the hotel industry. I was offered the finest in blanketry and couchiary accommodations.
I awoke the next morning to the sound of Amanda and Jane talking about trying on clothes. I went in and talked to them for a while. Jane’s man-friend, Eric, came by, and Colleen woke up and joined the fray as well. Around 11:00AM, I took a shower and left for Newcomb College graduation, which was scheduled for around 1:00PM. I phoned Julia and Sara to make sure I was not mistaken about the time of the ceremony. I got a drive-thru burger one the way to the Super Dome. On arriving at the Dome, I found, much to my chagrin, that it cost seven dollars for parking. I only had five dollars in cash on me. So, I left and began doing a grid search for somewhere in the area that had an ATM, preferably one from my bank. After three unsuccessful stops and a lot of sweating, I went to a dilapidated looking Holiday Inn. Sure enough, there was an ATM inside. The terminal fee was $3.50 plus whatever my bank charges, but I had no choice. On my way back to the Dome, I noticed an ATM from my bank in the building adjacent to it. Curse you, Wilford Brimley!!!! You screwed me again!
Anyhow, I parked and made it in with minutes to spare. I found a good seat in the first row of the stands. Basically, the interior floor of the Dome is divided so that only about an eighth is viewable from the stadium seats that are not blocked off. I was sitting next to a family the seemed to from somewhere up north from their demeanor and accents. A hush came over them and the rest of the crowd as the procession of folks made their way down the aisle. First, a bunch of junior Newcomb students proceeded slowly carrying 2 chains of daisies, also known as daisy chains, up to the front stage. They bowed and moved to take their special seats. Then the graduates proceeded in to that familiar part of “Pomp and Circumstance†that we all know and love. At some point, a bearded man with a ceremonial scepter of justice made his way to the floor. Graduates from 1955 made their way, also dressed in gowns and hats. Finally, professors proceeded to the stage in their special gowns and five pointed magicians caps.
The band played some different music then one of the graduating seniors sang a rousing rendition of “America the Beautifulâ€. After a speech about stuff by somebody, someone came up to present the Newcomb 2005 class gift. I don’t remember what it was, but it seemed like everyone was happy about it. The person who presented the gift was Claire Breedlove. Now, if you know me, you know my obsession with ‘manly names’. Well, this is quite a womanly name. I like it. It is strong yet conveys emotion. The class president then spoke about such things as “The Facebook†which gained popularity in my last year of college. The new graduates were presented to the alumni present and then specifically to the class of 1955 members present. The class of ’55 then received their special new diplomas. Mignon Faget, the famous jewelry designer, was one of the recipients of these scrolls of paper. The faculty then got a nod for showing up. Some teaching awards were distributed to professors with whom I am not familiar.
Finally, the graduates began to receive their diplomas. Almost everyone I knew graduating was getting a B.S., so I had to watch hundreds of liberal arts majors walk down the aisle. The daughter of the northerners to my left made her way across the aisle in this group and they sat stoically with the exception of the mother who uttered a subdued ‘yay’. This made me thing they would not take too kindly to me yelling when my friends graduated. Finally, the Bachelor of Science graduates began to be called. There were far fewer of them than liberal arts majors. First person up that I knew was Sara Debus. I tried to yell for her, but my voice dissipated into the ether. Sara graduated with maximal praise. Later, Julia Steiner also walked across. She also graduated with some praise. I clapped for her since my voice was useless. Then, a surprise entrant made her way across. Olivia Wilbert, with whom share a complicated, nonconsanguineous family relationship, also graduated. I had forgotten she entered Tulane at the same time as Sara did.
Anyhow, after the students all walked across the stage, another graduate came up to sing the Newcomb Alma Mater and then some balloons dropped from the ceiling. I went down to the floor and met up with Julia and Sara. We ran into their old psychology professor and I took pictures of them. I met Sara’s grandparents. I walked with them for a bit, then with Julia alone to fetch her stuff from the enrobement room (incidentally, in candy making, an enrobement machine is one that pours a thin chocolate waterfall in a sheet over a grated conveyer belt so that things like chocolate bars receive an even coating). On the way, I ran into a husband and wife professor duo each with whom I took a class. Drs. Desai and Nair were there with their son. I chatted with them for a bit, updating them on my comings and goings in Houston and promising to pay a visit when I made my next trip in for a wedding. Julia and I walked down to the bottom of the Dome to meet up with her family. We all chatted for a bit before they left to rest for dinner. Sara then brutally forced Julia and I to sit with her until Tulane College graduation began. After offending some people by sitting in seats meant for older people, we left Sara and went backstage to find the photographer so that Julia could turn in her address card to have pictures sent. During the search, I ran into two more professors who were participating in graduation. One of them thought that my sister had graduated because he “recognized her nameâ€. That was a weird moment. Next time I see him, I will try to figure out what was going on in his head.
After turning the card in, Julia and I met up with her parents. We talked for a bit, and most likely, I embarrassed myself in some way, though I do not remember for sure. They decided to head back to their hotel for a bit before having graduation dinner while Julia and I went to have some late lunch at Camellia Grill. I had a huge whipped omelet made with cheese and French fries with a side of more fries. Our server was a guy named Brun whose brother coincidentally works at Bruno’s. We went back to Julia’s apartment where we hung for a while before she went to dinner with her family. While she was away at dinner, I took a much-needed nap at her apartment.
When I woke up, Julia was not yet back, so I went to get something out of my car and locked myself out of her apartment. While waiting for someone to let me back in, I came upon Shuey and Corrine, Caroline’s friends who were at her wedding back in March. I chatted with Shuey and her family before they left again. Then I talked for a while with Corrine and her sister. Corrine read my account of Caroline’s wedding and said I should send it to Caroline. Corrine told me she would send Caroline’s email address to me, but she must have forgotten. When I went back downstairs, Julia was back. I chatted with her for a while. Then her friend Nora came over and we ended up over at Nora’s place. Then it was off to Sara’s for Sangria. They drank Sangria while we shot the breeze until about 1:00AM. Then it was off to Bruno’s.
Bruno’s was interesting. At this point in the night, everyone was pretty drunk and tired. Graduation is not a fun day. It is extremely stressful. That was my take on it last year when I graduated, and it rang true for my friends this year. Wading amid the graduates were the recently married Jason Hijuelos and his friend George Wallet. I chatted with them for a while, updating them on my doings as well as sharing some new manly names that I have encountered; namely Flint Smith “The Man Who Never Gets Cold†and Lyric Todkill “Master Bag-Piperâ€.
Also at Bruno’s was an old CACTUS project coordinator from when I was also involved with that organization. I must say, I have never seen him, or anyone else for that matter, as drunk as he was without that person also being in imminent danger death. J, as we’ll call him, was in rare form. It had been hours since his car keys came to not be in his possession through a little benevolent subterfuge. While I was talking with Jason and George, J came up to us and started pretending that he knew Jason’s brother Jonathan. He started complaining about how Jonathan should not have moved to DC to take that job. Jason had no idea that this guy did not know Jonathan, so he discussed this topic with him for a few minutes. I was then able to distract J and lead him back towards his friends. However, while I was doing this, Jason and George were discussing something and J leaned back toward them and said, “Nobody cares about what you are talking about, why don’t you just shut the fuck up!†See, kids, this is why you should be careful about the nature of your alcohol consumption. Once I had disposed of J, I chatted with Jason and George for a few more minutes before returning to Julia and Sara. Colin showed up after having lost his keys somehow, somewhere. James was also there, fresh from his commissioning in the Navy. He is going to be a bomb diffuser. I got a picture with him so that when he is a hero one day, I can prove that I knew him.
As it got later, Sara and Julia decided it was time to go home, but not before one final visit to the Boot pizza place. We drove there and they got some pizza. There were some really drunk frat kids from another school scattered about making themselves look foolish. One of them came up to our table and wanted to bum a cigarette. None of us had cigarettes, but he did not go away. Stood there for a moment before I realized he was giving me a look. I have seen that look before, as it is the look of someone looking for trouble. I just looked away at that point and talked to Colin. It was time for bed so we said our goodbyes. I stayed in the extra bed at Julia’s apartment.
The next day, I hung with Julia in the morning. We parted ways and I went on a dog walking expedition with the awesome Jenny Kuo. I met up with Amanda and Colleen at Erin Eastern’s coffee shop on the first floor of an old hotel near Orleans Ave. and S. Carrolton. Amanda, Colleen, and I went from there to eat at some random food place. Amanda and I then got back on the road for six hours of solid discussion while we drove back to Houston. What a fun and hectic adventure!
Darth Tater, Formerly Anikan Fry-Walker
I was reading a CNN story about the Episode III premier, and in talking about fans showing up in costume, the story describes a guy who claims to not be a big fan:
“Some children wore little Anakin Skywalker outfits while most of the older fans came in casual attire. But not David Morgan, a massage therapist who dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Morgan, who paid $2,500 for a VIP ticket, said he dressed up even though he’s not a big fan.
‘I have my Adidas on to match my costume. It looks good, I think.’ the 23-year-old said.â€
…And I am sure Elvis wasn’t really THAT into eating.