I have mentioned before that in Philly, it is all about the neighborhoods. Every neighborhood has its character and devoted denizens. Many of these neighborhoods are easily accessible by bicycle, but some are not. In particular, there is one neighborhood that is isolated from all others. It is in Northern Philly but DO NOT ever insinuate that this area is part of North Philadelphia in the presence of one of its inhabitants or you will find yourself the victim of an uncomfortable pummeling the likes of which have not been felt since Clubber Lang beat up Rocky Balboa in Rocky III. This area of town is called Northeast Philadelphia, and it is a mysterious place shrouded in secrecy. What is known is that Northeast Philly is a strictly clan-based society. The natives are quite isolated and rarely venture out to the rest of Philadelphia. Many residents are believed to practice a form of Roman Catholicism while others are believed to be Orthodox Jews; however, this is mostly speculation. The community itself is believed to be over one thousand years old, predating European contact with mainland North America.
Many attempts were made to establish some sort of contact with the Northeast Philadelphians, but there was little success until the 1800s; and even then, contact has remained limited and formal. Furthermore, when contact has been made successfully, unusual consequences most assuredly followed. The first recorded contact with Northeast Philadelphia by Europeans was made in 1510, when the nation-state of Genoa-Scottishplace (located in modern Scotland and Italy) sent a contingent of thirty strapping gentlemen, led by Shamis Di Giovanni and Giuseppe MacLeod to explore the land recently discovered by Christopher Columbus (known to the Genoa-Scottishplacians as McFancybottom). This contingent’s ship landed on the shores of what is modern New Jersey. They were greeted by a small contingent of Northeast Philadelphians who were concluding a fishing expedition. Due to a misunderstanding with the Northeast Philadelphian word for hello, the Genoa-Scottishplacians called them Kazzabletonians. After an exchange of pleasantries, some trade took place, and the entire contingent of explorers was led to the place we now know as Northeast Philadelphia to meet the Supreme Potentate of that era. Not much is known about what happened next, but Macleod, Di Giovanni and the rest of the contingent were never heard from again. At first thought to have perished, later contact with Northeast Philadelphia made it clear that the contingent was somehow compelled to join the Northeast Philadelphians of that era and intermarry with their women. In fact, it is believed that most contemporary Northeast Philadelphians are descended from these Genoa-Scottishplacian explorers. This would explain the widespread practice of Catholicism in the area since Genoa-Scottishplace was one of the most important Catholic nation-states of that time period.
As British colonies, and later the United States, grew around what became formally known as Northeast Philadelphia, other attempts were made to establish communication with its strange peoples. Northeast Philadelphians were known to brutally kill many who even attempted to make contact. Some explorers were able to survive contact, but had little to tell. Some sort of internal political turmoil in the 1800s brought about a change in Northeast Philadelphia’s policy towards outsiders leading to a breakthrough in 1823. An Orthodox Jewish missionary, Rabbi Laib Stahl, attempted to make contact with the people of Northeast Philadelphia in order to convert them his special brand of Judaism. For whatever reason, the Northeast Philadelphians accepted him and took him into their lands for five months. During that time, he was able to convert a sizable portion of the population, and when he returned he brought the first real glimpse of life inside the community of Northeast Philadelphia.
Rabbi Stahl wrote extensively every facet of the lives of these people. In the excerpt below, he describes the family structure of a typical Northeast Philadelphia household of that era.
After achieving some sort of “age of adultivity” (generally between 20 and 30 years old), a typical Northeast Philadelphian male will engage in a bonding ceremony with a chosen female in which they agree to establish a domicile fit for cohabitation and mate exclusively with one another for the purpose of producing young. The female generally takes the surname of the male. Typically, the male is the head of the living structure and ventures out to perform various labors in exchange for a paper and metal items, which are valued as currency. Both the paper and metal currencies bear markings attesting to their extrinsic value (established by governmental fiat) along with illustrations of past potentates and other important figures in their society. These are in turn exchanged for foodstuffs and other household needs. The female typically remains in the household caring for the younger children, performing various household maintenance tasks, and cooking, using sets of instructions passed down from her ancestors or found in bound collections of cooking instructions (”cooking books”), that specify particular ingredients in particular amounts to be added to the food being prepared. After age four, the children are sent during the days to buildings in which designated adults supervise them. These supervising adults impart knowledge to the children to help them slowly transition to adulthood and understand their surroundings…
After Rabbi Stahl’s visit, Northeast Philadelphia did attempt to establish somewhat regular relations the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and later the United States government, going so far as to send their ambassador, Chazwell Finklestein, to engage in trade negotiations. Aside from the Seminole Natives in Florida, the Northeastern Philadelphians are the only North American aboriginal group (this term is used loosely due to the infusion of European lineage in the 1500s) to not have been conquered by the United States. Throughout the Civil War, the United States engaged in negotiations to formally annex Northeast Philadelphia with the purpose of creating an arrangement similar to the one enjoyed by many Native American reservations today. After the end of the Civil War, Lincoln was all but ready to sign the treaty when he was shot by British Prime Minister Tony Blair’s fourth cousin by marriage. When Andrew Johnson came to power, he refused to sign any treaty with the Northeastern Philadelphians that did not include a remittance of at least three carts of traditional Northeast Philadelphian female clothing. Johnson reportedly wanted the clothing for his wife. However, historians have noted that in all his time as a public servant, President Johnson was not once seen with his wife, Esmeralda. Photographs of her do exists, but she bears striking resemblance to President Johnson leading historians to theorize that President Johnson was, in fact, not married. It has been asserted that he simply had been dressing up as his own wife to make public appearances. However, this is a bit of a digression. It is another story for another time.
After President Johnson left office, Ulysses S. Grant came to power, and he picked up with treat negotiations where Johnson left off. A deal virtually identical to the one hammered out during the Lincoln presidency was agreed upon. However, the signing ceremony was not without its own drama. President Grant offered to share a cigar with the Northeast Philadelphia Potentate, Nicola Mascio. In the course of smoking the cigar, President Grant’s beard caught on fire. The fast thinking Potentate quickly doused the president’s beard with a ceremonial fish sauce, which happened to be in the room with them at the time. A shaken yet grateful President Grant thanked Mascio and assured him that Northeast Philadelphia would always have a friend in Ulysses S. Grant. Unfortunately, President Grant promptly forgot the meeting had occurred once he left the room, remarking to aids that he enjoyed stopping off for a drink at “that new saloon.”
Relations between the US and Northeast Philadelphia have remained relatively stable since this time, though little contact outside diplomatic channels is known to take place. On rare occasions, a native Northeast Philadelphian has unexpectedly ended up outside the community, providing a glimpse into the internal workings of the community. This is how I was able to learn more about this place called Northeast Philadelphia.
In my first few days of graduate school, I met this girl name Meridyth. She told me that she was from Northeast Philadelphia. I did not believe her at first, because natives never send their children to outside universities. However, she told me of this fantastic story of how she came to have contact with the outside world.
She was born in Northeast Philadelphia. Apparently, when Meridyth was a couple of years old, she wandered from her home into the surrounding wooded area. Her family could not find her. Eventually, Meridyth was taken in by a pack of wolves where her cunning and crafty nature impressed the alpha male. After two years of being raised by wolves, some hunters found her. She was so far away from where she was born that nobody knew who she was. Records are unclear, but somehow, she ended up in China and adopted by a Chinese couple. Meridyth told me that she was called Li Wing-wa while there. I have to admit that I was a bit incredulous when she told this story. However, Meridyth seemed like an okay gal, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Eventually, her identity was discovered and she was repatriated to the United States and reunited with her family. It is a testament to the strength of these noble people’s culture that she easily was integrated back into Northeast Philadelphian society. She reverted back to calling herself Meridyth, though after she told this story, we started calling her Mer-woo.
Mer-woo spent a considerable amount of time extolling the virtues of her beloved Northeast Philadelphia. She specifically loves to go on at length and on about her home clan-area, Kazzableton, which is the ancestral land of the descendants of Shamis di Giovanni. Aside from her stint with the wolves and in China, her story is fairly normal for a girl growing up in Northeast Philadelphia. Mer-woo told us about her tight-knit Roman Catholic family. She has eight siblings, all girls except for one male with a ceremonial Northeast Philadelphia style mustache. Her mother is purportedly one of the finest traditional North East Philadelphian cooks. Her father is a revered knowledge-possessor in the community and instructs young adults in the alchemy of mathematics. The more Mer-woo spoke of the wonderful things Northeast Philadelphia had to offer, the more I wanted to see this mysterious place. Mer-woo finally extended a formal invitation for us to attend an annual Northeast Philadelphia tradition of watching the Super Bowl on a large HD television, which was also supposed invented by the Northeast Philadelphians. We would even be treated to a feast with all sorts of indigenous foods. I accepted this invitation. Not many outsiders get to join in when Northeast Philadelphians watch their Superbowl. It is one of the few outside forms of entertainment in which the population is allowed to indulge.
On the appointed Sunday, Johnny Porn came by my apartment to collect me for this journey. Mer-woo had contacted us earlier with precise instructions on how to get to Northeast Philadelphia, specifically to her home locale, Kazzableton. I brought all the supplies I might need, knowing that I probably would not get another opportunity to study this reclusive peoples in their native habitats.
We began driving north, passing though many of Philadelphia’s famous neighborhoods. As we passed through the Moose District, Johnny pointed to a house he recognized as a place he had visited as a prospective house from which to rent an extra room. Johnny ended up not renting from the fellow because the owner was dirty and had a handlebar mustache, which upset Johnny due to his radical personal beliefs. After a long drive, we finally arrived at the gates to Kazzableton. Strangely, there were no guards stopping our progress at any point of the journey. Mer-woo must have told everybody to expect us to show up at the appointed time. As we arrived at Mer-woo’s clan habitat, we saw that Harry McBurlison, the third of our three-man exploration squad, had already arrived. Harry is an interesting fellow. He grew up in the mountains in north Pennsylvania. Legend has it that a relative on his father’s side was actually a bear, but this may not be true. What is true is that Harry raised bears as a child. Johnny parked his car and we got out and surveyed the area. There were many Hassidic Jewish people milling about, no doubt descendants of the converts from Rabbi Stahl’s time. From the outside, Mer-woo’s clan house seemed awfully small, especially in light of the fact that she has eight siblings. Mer-woo had told me that her house was magic, but I had not understood what she meant. However, when we entered, it all became clear. Her house was actually twelve or thirteen stories, and the outer smallness was simply smoke and mirrors. This is the customary manner in which houses are built in Northeast Philadelphia in order to obscure the size of the population from any invading hoards, still one of the biggest threats to Northeast Philadelphian existence. For similar reasons, when Northeast Philadelphians travel, it is always single-file to hide their numbers.
After being formally introduced to Mer-woo’s parents by means of a thirty-minute ritual which included wearing ceremonial sequined hats and watching her parents perform a traditional greeting dance, Mer-woo offered to take us on a small tour Northeast Philadelphia. As she drove us around, she explained the structure of modern Northeastern Philadelphia government. Essentially, each clan resides in a particular area of the territory, clans being determined by a detailed chart of decadency. As was already stated, Kazzableton residents all descend from Shamis Di Giovainni. The clan leaders make up the Northeast Philadelphian council of the elders. As is dictated by tradition, the clan leader of Kazzableton leads the council, and therefore effectively leads all of Northeast Philadelphia. According to Mer-woo, the current Northeast Philadelphia Supreme Potentate and Kazzableton clan head is Frederiko Steinberg. Mer-woo described him as something of a recluse. He is rarely seen in public, and on the rare occasion that he does make an appearance, he always wears a football helmet with a tinted visor obscuring view from his eyes. He is known to have some bizarre tastes. He is renowned for owning the largest collection of Warner Brother’s cartoons in the world, including the infamous animation cells showing a nude and begenitaled Bugs Bunny stepping out of the shower. He is also known to have an insatiable appetite for all things Bette Midler. As Mer-woo described him, I realized that she revered this man as a god, and that Mr. Steinberg ruled these lands as a cult of personality. This placed some of her descriptions and hyperbole regarding Northeast Philadelphia in context.
As Mer-woo drove us around, she pointed out various important landmarks of Northeast Philadelphia. She took us to what she claimed was the first strip mall ever in the history of the universe. She explained that Potentate Steinberg invented the strip center. Apparently Potentate Steinberg had great foresight in understanding the future need for such structures. She also listed a number of other things invented by various prominent leaders of yore, including the telephone, television, HD, computers, ham sandwiches, walkie talkies, Nickelodeon, stop signs, robots, Ted Danson, pro wrestling, Superman, Dr. Sholl’s foot products, Uranus, and the toe ring. Some of the sites she pointed out to us along the way were the most popular dating locations (gas stations, stop signs, a store called “Big Lots”, etc.), and a series of structures meant to house the criminal element surrounded with razor wire fencing.
Mer-woo spent much of the remainder of the tour discussing the superiority of her culture and the impeccable wisdom of Potentate Steinberg. She told us all about how great Potentate Steinberg’s sense of humor was, and as if to illustrate the point, showed us a street sign he erected himself:
Potentate Steinberg’s Funny Joke
After what seemed like an eternity, Mer-woo finally took us back to the house for our traditional dinner. As the table was set and the food brought out, Mer-woo explained to all aspects of a traditional Northeast Philadelphian meal. Certainly, this affair was much more formal than usual because we were their honored guests from “the surroundings,†which is what the natives call everything outside of Northeast Philadelphia. Still, most of the dinner procedures were simply more elaborate and lavish versions of a normal dinner. Dinner is generally served on a large, rectangular table, which they call, oddly enough, “the dinner table.†After we sat down, Mer-woo explained that we must bow our heads and say a ten-minute prayer, giving thanks to the Potentate for this bounty, which he has provided, and for all the protections he affords the citizens of Northeast Philadelphia as well as the special favor he shows to Kazzableton. The first course of the meal was brought to the table. It appeared to be a large mixture of green, leafy vegetables mixed with some sort of oily emulsion. Alongside this vegetable dish were pieces of warmed bread slathered with a churned bovine milk product and a substance that almost tasted like garlic. To drink, we were given the choice of a purified water product or fermented mead of some sort. During all courses of the meal, the family engaged in discussions regarding the day’s events and Mer-woo’s parents directed many questions towards Harry, Johnny, and myself. They were particularly curious about our occupations and any information we could tell them about “the surroundings†from which we came. I told them about from whence I came and about my family. I also made a few good jokes at Harry’s expense, which seemed to go over well with them. Mer-woo’s mother brought out the second course, which consisted of a large baking dish filled with cylindrical cooked noodles, a tomato mixture, balls of ground animal muscle. I did not ask what animal the balls came from, as I felt it was better to just eat them and smile. Clearly, the influence of the Genoa-Scottishplacian settlers of the 1500’s on their cooking was apparent in this dish. It was quite tasty. The final course bore a close resemblance to what we, in “the surroundings,†would call dessert. Mer-woo’s mother brought out various baked sweet cakes and chocolates. Harry McBurlison decided to contribute with a baked good of his own. Mer-woo told us that it was customary to gorge oneself on third course treats until physical pain made it impossible to continue. Otherwise, it is considered an insult to the cook. Thus, we ate until tears were streaming from our eyes.
Afterward, Mer-woo’s father invited us second floor to watch Super Bowl XVVILM in super high definition. He explained to us how the Supreme Potentate invented HD technology, which he then sold to people in “the surroundings†who later claimed to have invented it themselves. The HD technology was crisp. It was so crisp, in fact, that you could see every time Peyton Manning would furrow his brown in a vain attempt to understand the situation. We chatted with him until the coin toss was about to commence. Mer-woo’s father stopped speaking in mid sentence and focused on the television. His focus did not waver until the game ended. At first we talked amongst ourselves, but then Mer-woo took us aside and explained that according to Northeast Philadelphian tradition, once the Super Bowl coin toss takes place, viewers are neither supposed to speak nor leave their seats until the end of the game. Therefore, we sat and watched the game in total silence. At first I was a bit uncomfortable, but then I fell into a trance-like state in which I remained until the conclusion of the game. It was almost a religious experience (I later found out that traditional Northeast Philadelphia pre-Super Bowl feasts are laced with herbal sedatives to “enhance†the Super Bowl viewing experience). After the game, I was spent in every way possible: emotionally, physically, mentally, and fiscally. I had spent most of the visit taking photographs, knowing that I would probably never return. I could already tell that Mer-woo’s parents were growing more uncomfortable with the presence of outsiders from “the surroundings.†Certainly, they were excellent hosts, but there is a deep-seated fear that if they allow outsiders to remain for too long, that the visitors may just get too comfortable and insist upon staying. In good Northeast Philadelphia tradition, Mer-woo and her parents bid us farewell with a song, much like the one performed in The Sound of Music when everybody escapes at the end. With that performance, Johnny Porn and I got into Johnny’s car, and Harry McBurlison got on his bear. We all said goodbye and departed.
Truly Northeast Philadelphians are a noble and fascinating people. Hopefully they will one day feel comfortable integrating into our society, contributing bits of their idiosyncratic culture back into our own.