Well, it’s finally over. I removed my beard from my face a few weeks ago. I had been on the fence about it for a while since its upkeep was on par with caring for a small animal, and I was always worried about having food caught in it for a few days before noticing. What put me over the edge, though, was the barrage of people whom I thought were my friends telling me how hideous I looked with the beard. There are too many to list, so I will just touch on the highlights:
- The first of these was none other than Hap’s main squeeze, Mary. In my first few weeks in the Philadelphia, I went to a Phillies baseball game with them, and she told me the beard was disgusting and that I was a horrible person for cultivating the beard. Of course, she may just have been mad that she believed I had a ventriloquist dummy called Mr. Bupi (Boo-Pee). However, that is neither here nor there. I probably lost thirteen self-esteem units that evening.
- Over Christmas break, I had the wonderful opportunity to see my friend Sara in San Antonio. Anyone who knows Sara well enough knows that she does have a bit of a temper. She’s liable to fly off the handle at a moments notice. In fact, one time, she and I were talking, and I made a joke that she did not like. Her response was to slam my face into a bedpost. I should also mention, she is surprisingly strong. Anyhow, in San Antonio, I took Sara to a restaurant owned by my uncle for a tasty selection of Greek foodstuffs. Afterward we were just hanging out at a coffee shop when Sara got quiet for a moment. When I asked what was wrong, she said that she thought my beard was so gross that it was making her physically nauseous. She made me wear a sack over my head for the rest of the evening. My self esteem dropped another twenty-four units and it was at critical levels.
- A couple (”two” for you liberal Northerners) weeks later, I went to New Orleans for a New Year’s celebration. I few of my friends there worried aloud that I might attract attention from our overzealous Department of Homeland Security since, apparently, beard = terrorist. However, they were not attacking my character for having the beard or telling me the beard was ugly, so I was unaffected by their observations. On January 2, though, my friend Julia picked me up from the house at which I was staying, and we hung out for a while in Uptown NOLA. Her commentary on the beard began the moment I got in her car. It started with “I’m not really a beard woman, but I guess it is okay…” By the end of our time together, though, words such as ‘filthy’ and ‘vermin’ were being bandied about with reckless abandon. It was almost unbearable. However, I soldiered on like the trooper that I am and survived the encounter.
You may note that I have only told stories about women insulting me. That is because male friends generally don’t express opinions in the extreme (positive or negative) about one another’s looks. That most my beard ever got from male friends was a grunt or a comment about the manly aura provided by the beard.
Anyhow, after all the insults, my self esteem was in tatters. It was non-existent. Still, I managed to limp my way through the whole second semester of graduate school, avoiding excessive social contact while the emotional wounds scabbed over. As summer rolled around, it became clear to me, though, that I was going to have to do something to truly heal my soul, something borderline cathartic. My favorite self-help book, Chocolate Pudding for the Stomach, Vanilla Pudding for the Soul was little help in remedying what was troubling my soul. I did purchase some pudding, which did provide much goodness to my stomach, but did little to the quench blue flame in my soul area. Then, one evening in July, I was watching infomercials about colon cleansing (Dual Action Cleanser) in my old Northern Liberties apartment, when it hit me. I should shave my beard; and not only should I remove it, I should create some intermediate facial hair configurations along the way! It was an idea so brilliant in all of its intricacies. I decided that I would accomplish this feat on July 27, the one-year anniversary of my arrival in this, the original capital of the United States. On the evening of the 27th, I undertook a endeavor creating this work of art that I call The Nine Faces of Kirk. Below they are listed, submitted for your approval. Enjoy:
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The Filthy Mathematician
This guy is disgusting. He bathes maybe once a week, if he remembers. He finds it hard to remember, though, since all that courses through his ample brain tissues is mathematical equations and computations. His life-motto can be summed up as Express, Calculate, Compute!. You can try to approach this guy for a conversation, but it may be difficult. He won’t quite look you in the eye and he will frequently try to turn the conversation to whatever math business happens to be on his mind at any given moment. He also has trouble recognizing social cues, so don’t think that passive aggressively indicating that you are bored with the topic of conversation (voting theory or some other abstract subject matter) will dissuade him from continuing to pontificate about said topic. In his spare time, he sits around thinking of ways to attract the ladies using math related pick-up lines, frequently revolving around epsilon-balls.
Recommendation: Approach with Extreme Caution
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The Hipster Doofus
This guy is cool, perhaps too cool for his own good. He wears stylish clothing from past eras and walks with a certain swagger in his step. He is the kind of cool that is approachable. Unfortunately, it is the kind of cool that is a mirage. The closer you get, the more you realize this guy has cloaked himself in the trappings of hipness to cover up for a lack of substance. The hipster frequents obscure used record shops, on a constant hunt for the early records of some famous musicians from the time before they sold out (translation: became popular and made some money). If you bring up certain bands (for example, the Dave Matthews band) in the vicinity of the Hipster, he will invariably began one of his prepackaged rants about great they used to be before they signed with a big record label and gained mainstream popularity. If you ask if their music quality has declined, he will dodge the question with comments about “keepin’ it real” and other such nonsense. The hipster may pop his collar, but will disdain others who do it for “the wrong reasons.” Overall, an interesting guy to talk to for short periods of time, but it is a good idea to keep the conversations around five minutes to avoid the rants.
Recommendation: Short Drive-By Conversations Are the Way to Go
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The Feder-Line
There is an air about this man. It is an air of smug satisfaction for accomplishments that either don’t exist, are not directly related to anything he has ever done, or belong to his significant other. Whatever this guy’s profession, he will seek out someone else from that profession with which to mate. This mate will be vastly superior to him in the performance of her duties. Unfortunately, this does not stop him from adopting an attitude of importance as if he has done anything worthwhile other than shack up with a wealthier, more successful version of himself in female form. The Feder-liner will also take the time to assemble an entourage consisting of the following prototypes: two beefy gentlemen who spent time in the NFL or prison, a scrawny best friend from childhood, some voluptuous ladies, and a guy carrying a bag of money. Though he grew up in a nice, middle class neighborhood, this guy will walk, talk, and dress as if he grew up in a place he calls the ‘hood with little idea of what that really means. Frequently, this involves dressing up in his formal wife-beater tank top and jean along with a fashionable brimmed hat.
Recommendation: Avoid at All Costs Due to Accompanying Henchmen Men Carrying Weapons
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The Mid Life Crisis
Racing about in his red convertible that he waxes once a week, mid-life crisis guy can be quite a bit of fun. He loves to hit the bars and drink too much, cavorting with many different ladies, and throwing his money around as if it were some other sort of thing that one might throw around recklessly. The problem is, he is in his late forties to early fifties and should be at home with his wife, Esmeralda, and his daughters, Hortense and Pasel. He tries to use hip phrases that he learned on “the street” that he is under the mistaken impression “the kids” are using. Most of these phrases are about five years old and were never that popular. If you are in your teens or twenties, this guy might try to hang out with you and your friends way too often. It’s not that a guy his age cannot conceivably hang out with someone your age. It’s that a year ago, he was not of the mindset to hang out with you and your peeps, and now he is trying to force it. That just makes everyone uncomfortable.
Recommendation: It Is Okay to Associate With Mid-Life Crisis Guy, but You Must Set Clear Limits That Are Vocalized Within Two Minutes of Initial Contact. It’s What’s Best For Everybody
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The High School Football Defensive Line Coach
There was a time when one of this guy’s three daily meals was large amounts of chewing tobacco. That was before he had a child, though, and switched to bubble gum and sun flower seeds, sometimes both at the same time (This Art Project Sponsored in Part By Bubble Seed, Another Wonderful Product From the Var-I-Dent Corporation). Football Coach Guy was a player in college and is still about 250 lbs of solid muscle. Ladies, you should know that his mustache doesn’t stop at the chin; it goes all the way down to the gullet area with what he likes to call “the afterburners, baby.”
Afterburners
If you punch him, he will punch you. Football Coach Guy is a good guy, but he carries a great deal of disdain for intellectual pursuits, and he sometimes imparts this disdain onto his burly charges. This probably is not the best thing to teach young minds already carrying the belief that football is the only way out of poverty. But, eh, what the hell.
Recommendation: He is Approachable. However, Do Not Punch This Guy. He Will Destroy You By Punching You So Hard That Your Body Breaks Down Into Its Various Gases
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The Thespian
This young man has aspirations. He has devoted all his energies toward become a famous star. This is a treacherous road that can have many bumps, and the thespian understands this. Sometimes one must make sacrifices to achieve the dream. The thespian figures, if he has to make a few sexual films along the way, it is really not a big deal. What famous person didn’t at one time make a pornographic movie? Unfortunately, the thespian does not quite understand the dire state of his acting career. If you stumble into a chat with the thespian, he will tell you stories from work, as if he were an accountant or office manager. These stories frequently revolve around some bizarre and unnatural happening during one of the ten filmings he participated in that day. You don’t want to hear his stories, yet you will find it hard to say anything to him because you do not wish to dispel him of the myth that he will one day be an actor on the legitimate stage or perhaps the non-sexual celluloid.
Recommendation: Try to avoid any topic that could lead to work-related stories. Also, it is unclear how often he washes his hands. Greet him with a fully clothed chest bump for sanitation purposes.
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The Frenchman
The Frenchman seems upset, but he is not. It is just his nature to debate and criticize everything about you and your culture. You don’t eat cheese, you eat the wrong cheese, that’s not really wine, you’re too puritanical, you call that sex, you call these freedom fries etc… This can get annoying after a while, but is always good to have the Frenchman on hand because you never know when you might need a spare croissant. You must also understand that his language is beautiful, awesome, and French. The Frenchman always carries a red balloon with him, though he keeps losing them when they slip from his hand and float away. Each balloon loss is emotionally devastating, but onward he soldiers.
The Frenchman is Harmless and Will Engage You in Vigorous Debate, if You Wish. However, Do Not Slather Tasty Cheese All Over Your Body or The Frenchman is Likely to Be Overcome By His Baser Instincts and Eat You.
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A Man With Too Much Soul
Did you ever see the movie X-Men? Well, just like there are people in that movie with superpowers brought on by genetic mutations, such people exist in real life, as well. Our man with too much soul has a genetic deformity giving him ungodly amounts of soul. He has so much soul, in fact, that the excess must be stored in patch form right below his lower lip. Some people might call this a chin-Hitler, but in reality, Hitler had little soul. As a consequence of all the soul our friend possesses, he speaks with a soft quiet tone that is not always easy to comprehend. He probably smokes some marijuana drugs to alleviate the suffering that all that soul causes when stored in one human being. Though he uses his power for the good of mankind, it is really a curse, since he feels really intense emotions over trivial things such as watching the ending to Driving Miss Daisy. His abilities include speaking to women in soft, sensual tones, speaking to criminals in soft, sensual tones, speaking to super villains in soft, sensual tones, and speaking to god-like entities in soft, sensual tones. His main weakness is the recitation of the dialog from the end of Driving Miss Daisy.
Recommendation: He is very approachable and friendly. However, if he asks you how you are doing, do not indicate anything even the slightest bit negative. Just answer with, “I am doing fabulous!” Anything less will bring on a bout of emotional crying and vomiting. Then you will need to find a mutant with stain fighting powers.
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The Virtuous, Clean Cut Greek Guy
What is there to say about this young man. He is just great. His face is smooth as a baby’s bum, as long as that baby is one day away from growing an awful lot of hair on that bum. He’s got slicked back hair and he is somewhat charming. He wears shirts with the first three buttons undone to display all his fabulous chest hair. If you speak with him, he can carry on a reasonably interesting conversation, mostly revolving around bodybuilding and steroids. He doesn’t take amphetamines, unlike Kirks 2-6. Furthermore, since employing the services of his boxing instructor/life coach, Dr. Guillermo Guadalupe, his abilities in the areas of life management and pugilism have vastly increased. Also, this Greek guy is much more aerodynamic that any of his predecessors. He is the most awesomest of them all.
Recommendation: Ladies, Approach This Guy Before He Gets Snapped Up By Aliens Looking For Superior Genetic Specimens