Soodhalter’s Informagoriam

I wrote a couple of new things for the Temple News blog. You can look at them at this link: http://blogs.temple-news.com/author/kirk-soodhalter/

Three weeks ago, some ladies from Tulane paid a visit to Philadelphia and allowed me to associate with them for a few days. I took some pictures to confirm this actually occurred. Also, I have included an album with a brief tour of my semi-new digs in the Italian Market. Enjoy.

Reunion in Philly: Time to Bury the Hatchet

My Pad in the Italian Market

I decided not long ago that I needed to participate in some small aspect of campus life at Temple University, which would not interfere with my hardcore math studies. I decided that since I already write for this blog, I would volunteer to write for the Temple Student News Paper. Unfortunately, the student news paper pays its writers with moneys which upsets Temple Bureaucracy for someone in my position. Therefore, I opted to write for the Temple News Blog. It is not selling out, I am just expanding my audience. With that in mind, here is the link to my contribution to this new blog:

http://blogs.temple-news.com/author/kirk-soodhalter//

In the last decade, a new trend has emerged. Food is being used to produce products not meant for our delicate digestive tracks. I am not sure exactly how we got started down this path. The most prominent example is one that has been trotted out recently by the environmental horsy set: ethanol. We take corn or sugar cane and turn it into fuel for our Hummers and SUVs. The media loves ethanol. However, this new foodstuff fuel source is just one small piece in a much larger and tasty puzzle.

Two years ago, I was watching an infomercial for a new, fantastic cleaning product. The host of this program was portly man with black hair and a black beard. He was excitedly jumping around with the rambunctiousness of a hyper child. As he ran around the room, using his new product to clean various messes he had made earlier (I suspect on purpose), he continuously made the point that this new cleaner had the power of oranges.

I had never heard of such a thing. Certainly, many cleaning products are scented with a fruity musk. Who among us hasn’t studied the delicious looking bottle of Pine Sol, only to discover that the lemony odor did not originate from lemons? This new product was different, though. It had actual oranges in it, distilled in some manner so that the cleaning liquid was imbued with orange powers. I did not realize oranges had cleaning powers, especially since I have spent countless life-hours cleaning messes of an orangy origin.

Upon seeing this commercial, my eyes were opened as I began to see just how ubiquitous these products are. There is the popular hardwood floor cleaners called Banana Wood. There is a leather treatment made with coconuts and a drain clog remover made from strawberry pudding. There are also personal care products. There is shampoo containing green tea and mint extracts and the body wash made from cucumbers. My father uses hair pomade manufactured from discarded animal parts. I saw a television commercial in which Sex on the City star Kristen Davis was endorsing a facial cleanser made from coffee beans. She claimed the coffee would “wake your skin up!” I saw another with Sarah Jessica Parker hocking a hair color treatment containing avocados. Most personal care products containing foods are advertised as having the ability to nourish our skin and hair, which makes sense because that is where 85% of hunger originates.

This seems to be a lucrative business trend, a sweet gravy train that I need to catch. My product will be called Fry-Lene, an all-purpose cleaner that uses the power of French fries. The primary active ingredient is potent French fry distillate, manufactured using a secret industrial process. This product will be completely safe for human consumption. Customers will be encouraged to spray it in their hair, on their faces, and in their mouths. Since it will be made from concentrated French fries, regular users of this product will gain large amounts of weight, opening up a whole new market for my Losington’s System of weight loss products.

With the millions of dollars I will probably make, I feel I should give something back. I watch about fifty-seven hours of television per week. During that time, there are at least ten Sally Struther’s commercials about donating money to the less fortunate in other countries. Everything in those commercials seems dirty. Those people do not have enough cleaning supplies. I will buy large amounts of orange powered cleaner and other such products in bulk to donate. Living in cleaner surroundings will put these people on the road to betterment, and the donation will ease my conscience over the large quantity of potatoes used to make each bottle of Fry-Lene. That way,

So, a couple of years ago, I was the best man when my friend Mark #2 married my other friend Liz#1 (reassigned from #27 because the other Liz’s just couldn’t cut the mustard). Anyhow, seven months ago, they brought a child into this world, to raise and indoctrinate with their beliefs. I finally got a chance to visit and meet little Samantha. Here are the pictures from my weekend in Gainesville, FL.

Baby Deuce: Mark #2 and Mrs. #2 Have Procreated!

We all know the story by now.

A Senator enters a public restroom. He hovers outside an occupied stall, peering in at the occupant. He enters the adjacent stall. The Senator engages in ambiguous toe tapping and hand motions similar to those used to initiate unsavory toilet relations. He is arrested by an undercover police officer and pleads guilty to disorderly conduct three weeks later.

Now, of course, the mainstream media chooses to focus on the lewd nature of this incident while completely ignoring the bigger question. What is the proper etiquette for fielding unsavory propositions from a U.S. Senator?

Sixty or seventy years ago, children received proper training in manners of decorum. Nowadays, however, children in the United States rarely learn more than the most rudimentary of behavior rules. It is one of the reasons our society is on the decline.

I had the benefit of attending etiquette training for four rigorous summers in my youth. Mother enrolled me at Lady Margaret’s School of Protocol. During my time in this “manners camp,” we spent a solid month each summer learning how to properly field unsavory propositions from heads of state, legislators, and various foreign dignitaries. As it relates to Senators, I will share what I learned about handling such a delicate situation.

First, when addressing a Senator who has just made an unsavory proposition, the proper title is Mr./Ms. Senator. Forms of address such as ‘your Excellency’, ‘your Eminence’, or ‘your Highness,’ are not appropriate. Do not look the Senator directly in the eyes as this may be interpreted as identifying you as an equal. Always look slightly down and to the right.

Fielding the actual unsavory proposition is a bit of delicate diplomacy. Most likely, the proposition will be proffered before it is clear that the Senator is a person of distinction. Therefore it is likely that your initial refusal – assuming you choose to refuse the proposition due to its unsavory nature – may incidentally violate protocol. This should not be a problem.

After your stated refusal, the Senator will likely introduce him/herself, produce a business card and include a forceful interrogative, such as, “what do you think about that?!” Upon being presented with this new information, it is proper to rise from your seat, give a precise, seventeen-degree bow (called “the bow of the governed”), and to politely explain that you did not realize from whom the unsavory proposition was coming. Once the Senator’s identity is clear, he/she will likely continue to press onward.

It is here that the protocol for refusal of an offer comes into play. The easiest refusal is one based upon religious or health reasons. This can be stated simply and explicitly without any worry of giving insult to the Senator’s pride or character. This is the key point to stress in the protocol of refusal of unsavory propositions. The Senator must not come away from this exchange feeling that his/her character has been insulted.

Any refusal should direct the fault away from the Senator. If you cannot refuse based upon religious or health reasons, your refusal should hinge upon an inability to adequately satisfy the terms of the proposition, thereby placing the specter of failure upon your own shoulders. If all else fails, pretend to answer your cell phone and confabulate an emergent situation to which you must attend, allowing the Senator to save face.

The one thing you must not do is express shock at the Senator’s unsavory proposition. We all must understand that Senators are under a great deal of pressure from their jobs and from the mainstream media’s constant scrutiny. An unsavory proposition is just one of many ways in which they can blow off some steam. It is simply not for us to pass judgment, and that’s reality as I see it.