I had needed some new walking shoes for a while, but I had been too lazy and too cheap to do anything about it. One evening, I was riding my bike south on Broad Street, on my way home from Temple. There is a sporting goods store on Chestnut, just off Broad, so I decided to make a stop there to see if they had anything that would give my feet that perfect accent. The back wall of the store is devoted to footwear. Most of it is geared towards individuals who run around, lift weights, play ball, or wrestle. However, they also sold shoes made for no purpose beyond looking fine. Those shoes were classified as the lifestyle shoes.
Since I did not want to sell all my ponies to the glue factory just to afford a pair of sneakers, I restricted my hunt to the bargain area of the lifestyle shoe section. It was touch and go for a while since many of the pairs of shoes I liked were no longer carried in my size. However, I came across these orange New Balance creations that just yearned to be wrapped around my feet. A skinny German fellow with artificially bleached blond hair was monopolizing the shoe attendant, trying on every pair of shoes in the store while inquiring about having some shoes shipped back to Germany. I managed to peel the attendant away for a brief moment to find these orange, New Balance treasures in my size. The attendant came back ten minutes later with a promising looking orange box along with ten boxes for the German. He had my shoes. I tried them on and it was clear these were the shoes for me. They had been waiting for my feet since they were first sewn together by a machine in Estonia. I made the purchase and left the attendant to deal with the blond German man.
A few days later, I was sporting my new shoes all over campus. The compliments were flowing like biblical honey. One of my professors was especially impressed with my acquisition and interrogated me vigorously on the topic after a department social event (note: I use the term social quite loosely). I identified the shoes as the store had, calling them lifestyle shoes. The professor asked me to elaborate on what this lifestyle was. I realized that I did not know. My roommate, Johnny Porn, was also there; and he offered a few choice suggestions, all sexual. It did raise a good point, though. What was the lifestyle for which these shoes were made? This is not trivial. When I wear a pair of shoes, they become a part of who I am; and by the property of shoe transitivity, I am implicitly joining the world to which these shoes are giving me access.
How would I find out what I had gotten myself into? Well, I figured I should ask the Internet. There are a number of ways this can be done. I chose to post a simple message on Craigslist. In various forums, I stated that I was interested in learning more about the lifestyle.
It took no more than two hours to receive my first response. A young lady named Stephanie from an email account she shares with her family. She is 29 and felt that we should talk. However, I was given no indication as to the possible topics of our conversation. Not long after that, I received an email from a tall, athletic, black man. He described his physical appearance in excruciating detail including telling me all about his weekly workout regimen. Then, he invited me over to his house to “take a load off.†This guy’s interpretation of the lifestyle seems to be laziness. If I want to get off my feet and take a load off, I can do that on my couch at home, while playing Nintendo Wii. I don’t need to traipse across town.
A man calling himself Captain Zot sent me the next email. He stated that I had a multitude of lifestyles from which I could choose. Then he sent me an link to a website specifically geared towards various lifestyles. Located at the other end of that link was information I found quite disconcerting. At first, I thought it was some sort of socialization website, like Facebook. Then I noticed that the site was enticing me to start my sexual revolution and join a swinging lifestyle. I dug a bit deeper and found out some things about this particular lifestyle that do not bode well for me with my special shoes. There are middle aged doctors, lawyers, and businessmen who would be happy for me to pay a visit to their house for an evening with them and their spouses to engage in various sorts of impure congress. For this particular lifestyle, I learned a bit of the vocabulary in which one would need to be proficient in order to participate. This was not the lifestyle for me.
A day later, a woman named Trinity sent me an email. She stated the following:
Okay, slow down cowboy. What you don’t want to do is rely on one person to “initiate” you. You need to be safe. There are a few “munch” groups around ( a munch group is a group of people in the lifestyle that meet- a munch is a non-play meeting, they can give you advice, tips and you can learn a lot without making the sucky mistakes). Since you posted in the Philly list, the [a yahoo group] is probably closest to you. Also check out sites like [fetish website] which have a lot of good articles and forums. And as a newbie you’re probably going to be approached a lot. Don’t rush it, if they give you weird vibes, back off, someone else will come along. And always have a safecall person. Okay, I’m done preaching- have fun. Trinity
I am not sure how she knew I am from Texas. I wanted to reply to tell her that I am not a cowboy, nor are most of the folks from the Lone Star State. It was awfully nice that Trinity was looking out for me. I would not want these shoes to cause me to get taken advantage of by someone who suffered from weird vibes. However, I was getting increasingly worried about what I had gotten myself into by purchasing these discounted shoes.
Unfortunately, things went downhill from this point forth. I posted in a variety of forums from Craigslist, and even the replies from benign forums were frightening. One lady asked if I wanted more information from the point of view of the john or the prostitute. She was responding from the food reviews forum. One guy wanted me to be a nudist. An elderly lady from the sewing forum told me she would like to knit me undergarments to model for her. Presumably, I would also have to wear my shoes.
Later, after the responses died down, I made a trip to Washington, D.C. to house sit for the Sprealzings. While there, I had dinner with my friend Jonathan, known in our friendship circle as Little Daddy J. I recounted the wild tale of my exploration of the lifestyle possibilities. Little Daddy J then related a telling story from his days at a Jesuit high school. He submitted the following for his senior yearbook quote:
Blockbuster video has reported that it makes the majority of its revenue from late fees. It is nice to know that my lifestyle is working out for somebody.
This seemingly innocuous statement referred to the fact that Little Daddy J was known for his tardiness at the time. However, the principal of the school, a Jesuit priest, called J to his office to ask him what the meaning of the word lifestyle was. Apparently, the priest assumed that the word lifestyle referred to something untoward. J explained his meaning of the statement, but the priest found the explanation dubious, at best. J’s quote would not be printed in the yearbook. Had I known that the word lifestyle was so loaded, I would not have been so quick to make that inexpensive shoe purchase.
So there it is. I find myself with an embarrassment of horrible beets from which to choose. They are all gross, but you have to eat one just to be excused from the table. I suppose I have no one but myself to blame for this predicament. However, I purchased these shoes, and I do not want to get rid of them. Thus, I will have to figure out which path to take and see what happens. I am writing this merely as a warning. When purchasing discounted shoes, one must be aware of the shoe’s particular pedigree so as not to end up like me. Meanwhile, I think I will call that elderly lady to see what her story is.