Soodhalter’s Informagoriam

In China, Jet Li is box office gold. In the United States, he makes movies in which his dialog is limited, but he distributes pummelings to inferior opponents. I have often wondered from where a man such as Jet Li comes. I know the conventional wisdom (and Wikipedia) states that he comes from China, but that seems simplistic. A man with his superior martial arts talents was not born; he could not have merely been born. He must have been forged in some sort of crucible, taking the scrawny baby Li and recasting him into the force we know today.

A quickly-to-video movie, which I can only assume is an autobiographical origin flick, may shed some light on the answers to these questions. This movie is called Unleashed. It stars Jet Li, Bob Hoskins, Morgan Freeman, and an actress. It is set in Scotland. Unleashed is about a man, played by Jet Li, who is ‘leashed’. Bob Hoskins character keeps Jet Li in a cage with a collar on his neck. When Hoskins takes the collar off and tells Jet Li to perform some choreographed violence, Jet Li becomes ‘unleashed’, hence the name of the movie. Hoskins is a small time criminal with three or four disposable thugs. They shake people down for money using Jet Li a weaponized attack animal. Perhaps this is a subtle, moot point; but, though the movie was called Unleashed, Jet Li is not actually leashed in the movie. It is his collar that dictates whether or not he will attack. The movie should be called Uncollared.

While Hoskins shakes down some people one day, Jet Li wanders into a piano warehouse, where he is drawn to the pianos. Freeman is a piano tuner and he is blind. He helps Li play a few notes on the piano. Later, Hoskins enters Li into bloodsport competitions where he quickly kills a dominatrix with a single punch. Then, on the way home, Li requests a piano and there is a car crash, but it was no accident. Some recipients of Li’s previous pummelings are taking their revenge with gunshots. Li manages to escape back to the piano warehouse without anybody noticing. There, Morgan Freeman finds him bleeding and semiconscious. Somehow, even though Freeman is somewhat frail and blind, he manages to carry this bleeding, unconscious Chinese guy home with him, again, without anybody noticing. Freeman and his stepdaughter do not call the police or doctors. They nurse Li back to health by administering soups.

Li is frightened like an animal at first, but then Freeman gives him a keyboard to play with, and soon the viewer is given the first inclination that Jet Li’s character might be human after all. It is explained through exposition that Freeman’s character married his best friend’s wife after the friend’s untimely (and perhaps suspicious) demise (can you say prequel?). After the wife died of some sort of violence, Freeman continued to raise the stepdaughter himself. I would be willing to wager dollars to donuts that this cumbersome back story was constructed to justify the presence of Morgan Freeman’s role of magical black guy. How else could the story unfold with Freeman caring for a daughter while still being the only black person in the whole movie? This is important because Jet Li really needs somebody with special therapeutic powers to soothe his emotional trauma.

Freeman has brought his stepdaughter to Scotland to attend some music school there. While all that is happening, Freeman engages in two weeks of amateur psychotherapy to cure Li from his caged dude syndrome. Freeman teaches him to pick fruit from the supermarket, and also shows him how to play the piano, which gives us the first hint at Li’s origin. Li plays a tune on his keyboard belonging to a complicated song by Mozart. How could he know this? Well, the plot keeps moving and eventually, in a scene awash with sexual tension, the stepdaughter removes the collar. Much to my relief, Jet Li didn’t kill the stepdaughter or even ravage her. Maybe everything would be okay. Morgan Freeman asks Li about his origins, but Li cannot answer. All he knows is that his uncle (Hoskins) died after Li asked for a piano. Then Freeman suggests that when it is time to return to the United States after music school is done, that perhaps Li should accompany him and his daughter as their newest family member. This seems to be the most logical course of action. Pretty much every time I have ever gone to Europe, I have brought back a Chinese person with virtually no identity or papers of any sort. It is pretty standard thing to do. Jet Li seems to like this idea. Then he goes shopping.

He runs into one of the surviving flunkies, who takes him back to a recovered Bob Hoskins. He asks Hoskins who his mother was, and we find out that she was a prostitute that Hoskins patronized (he patronizes quite a few in the movie). They collar him again and take him to the bloodsport ring to fight. Only now, Li won’t kill anybody, losing Hoskins plenty of money. That night, Li finds photos of his mother and scares away one of Hoskins new prostitutes. Upon being confronted, Hoskins changes the story to indicate that Li’s mother was a bad prostitute and that Hoskins had saved Li. Then he puts Li back in the cage. The next day, Li causes their car to roll over and returns to Morgan Freeman’s house, stating what he found out about his mother. Based on the picture he stole from Hoskins, it appears that Li’s mother was a piano player of some sort. Freeman asks his stepdaughter to describe the pianos in the picture. The stepdaughter describes pianos in a room from her own school, yet seems to not recognize the room. Freeman, however, knows from the makes and models of the pianos that they are from the school. Of course, one must wonder why the girl did not recognize the room in the picture as being the school’s main recital hall, but it was probably meant to be established that she is a savant or something. It is best not to ask such questions; instead, just lose yourself in the smoothness of Morgan Freeman’s voice.

On searching some of the records, we find that Li’s mother was a student at the very same school many years before, until she disappeared. The pieces start falling into place. That evening, Li has a flashback and realizes that he remembers the whole thing. Apparently, his mother could not pay for piano school, so she began prostituting herself. When Hoskins shows up with some guy to patronize her services, she initially goes along but then resists. Hoskins shoots her. Li witnesses the whole thing from a closet and attacks them but is knocked out. Hoskins then takes the child and puts him in a cage. I would estimate that Hoskins kept Li in that cage for over 20 years. In that time Li managed to become a martial arts expert.

After the flashback, Hoskins shows up in the neighborhood to either kill Li or take him back. He brings a huge contingent of flunkies, mostly carrying swords and other combat weapons, though a few have guns. He also brings a hairless white guy wearing karate class attire. He is presented as the hoss who might give Li some trouble. Li incapacitates most of the flunkies; and he battles the white guy in a small lavatory, accidentally killing him by defenestration (window throw-out). Then Hoskins fires guns at Li and tracks him to Freeman’s apartment where he tries to convince Li they are both just animals, and they must either kill each other or work together. As Li is about to kill Hoskins, Freeman bursts from a cabinet and stops this nonsense. He hits Hoskins with a flower plot, and the fight scene is over. It is unclear what happened to all the still-alive flunkies or Bob Hoskins. The next scene has Freeman and Li watching the stepdaughter perform Li’s mother’s favorite music piece. The implication is that they will be taking Li back to the United States.

There seems to have been no police involvement, which strikes me as odd. Basically, a young Chinese boy witnesses his mother get shot in the head. The shooter kidnaps him and locks him in a cage for many years, treating him as an animal. Since it is a scientifically proven fact that when you lock any Asian person in a cage as a child, they develop super human karate powers while developing the mentality of an attack dog, Hoskins has acquired a potent extortion weapon. The psychological trauma of this emotional injury might seem daunting, but it is nothing that a few weeks living with a kindly, old, blind black man and his stepdaughter cannot cure.

There you have it. The one thing I can say about Unleashed is that it falls within the dictionary defintion of a movie. The audience gets a good approximation of the crucible in which Jet Li was forged. Now that we know the truth, can we really justify enjoying Jet Li’s movies? His talents were harvested in a cruel manner, if this movie is to be believed. We can no longer stand by as future martial arts experts are cultivated under such conditions. I, for one, will refuse to watch martial arts films for the forseable future. Let the boycotts begin!

So I am sitting there, minding my own business, excited about impending Karaoke and Italian Market Festival fun when I get an email. Sara tells me she is conveniently going to be up one of the local prisons. She wants to come hang out at “whatever festivities might be available.” I knew she had really researched this out and was pining for some Italian Market Festival fun. My initial inclination was to call her on her shenanigans, but then I realized that she would be upset by such a direct accusation. When Sara gets upset, she gets violent. Last time I angered her, she slammed my head into a bed post, which is why I have metal plates in my head. Therefore I moderated my irritation and told her she was welcome to crash at my place. I resolved to simply make snide comments to covertly register my displeasure. As it happens, Ms. Vivian O. Blivion and her twin brother Gordon GordiNGton were also visiting. Their presence helped to tone down the tension. Below are some pictures depicting the good times that were had:

Italian Market Festival: Belting Out Sweet Love Balads Attracts Creepy Girls to Town

I got to go back to New Orleans last weekend. My undergraduate adviser in math invited me so that we could collaborate on a paper together. The third collaborator booked it to Singapore for the time being making it easier for us two to get together in the States. I flew in on a Saturday and watched my friend Gus Adolphus perform musically with his new band, Full Gospel Gun Show. Then, on Sunday, I ate food and had coffee with a guy named Friederich III, who has stolen two jobs from me thus far. He brought his girlfriend, whom I had recommended for two different jobs long ago. Monday and Tuesday were workdays, though I did get to see another professor from my past receive an endowed math chair. She was the first ever professor to trust me enough with any higher math knowledge. It was a good ceremony. Then, we had some drinks and I went back to Gus’ house where he, Katie, and I cooked a late dinner. I made balsamic honey glazed chicken. It was pretty gross, but they pretended to like it. That was nice of them. On Tuesday, after bidding farewell to Gus and talking some math on Tulane campus, I took a cab to the airport and got on my plane. As we pulled away from the gate in NOLA, a man had a seizure, and it took some time to get him off the plane, which resulted in a bit of a delay. Fortunately, I think the man was alright once they took him off the plane. I finally got back to Philadelphia, arriving home at 1:00AM.

Below are the pictures of this little adventure:

Gus Adolphus Exposes Himself While Playing His Drums…Then I Do Some Math

Many people in my spheres of influence seem to get married. A few years ago, a steady stream of my Catholic friends got hitched, and a few of them actually asked me to stand with them on the altar. I have two weddings in the period of a month this summer. The invitations are in my possession. Most come with a simple RSVP asking if I will be coming alone or with a guest. There is no space for me to list any of the requirements or amenities that will be necessary for my attendance to be assured. I have therefore decided to draft this electronic document of what my presence at a wedding will entail. In the future, I will simply refer future brides and grooms to this electronic agreement:

IMPORTANT-READ CAREFULLY: This Wedding Attendance Agreement (”WAA”) is a legal agreement between you (either as individuals or as a nuptial unit) and Craig Schwangfelder (”The Schwang”) with regard to the attendance of The Schwang to your nuptial ceremony (”The Event”). This WAA delineates the strict terms under which The Schwang will attend The Event. An amendment or addendum to this WAA may accompany The Schwang on the day of attendance to The Event. YOU AGREE TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS OF THIS WAA BY READING THIS AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY UNINVITE THE SCHWANG, AND YOU MAY ASK FOR A REFUND, IF APPROPRIATE.

1. ACCOMPANIMENT. The Schwang will not be alone in his attendance of The Event. The Schwang will boast an entourage of five (5) dates during his attendance to The Event.

1.1 Comely Woman. The Schwang’s primary date to The Event will be a heretofore unnamed comely woman (”The Woman”) whose identity will be decided at a later date. The Woman will likely stand at a height of at least five (5) feet ten (10) inches. The Woman will require three (3) attendants to accompany her for the duration of The Event. One attendant should carry a basket of rose petals to place in front of The Woman’s feet whenever The Woman sees fit to walk about at The Event. The second attendant will need to have a large canister of perfume which constantly can be sprayed in the vicinity of The Woman so that she does not have to bear the smell of common folk. The third attendant should have a deep, tenor voice, that he may sing opera songs to The Woman when she becomes bored.

1.2 Deena Barton. The Schwang’s secondary date will be professional female bodybuilder Deena Barton (”Deena”). Deena is the reigning United States “most rippling quadriceps” champion. The Schwang met Deena at Border’s, where she was signing copies of her newest book Legs Like Pythons. Maintaining those championship quadriceps requires round-the-clock care. As such, it will be required that The Schwang apply lubrication to Deena’s legs with special leg grease at least four (4) times during The Event.

1.3 Niece of Circus Performer Gunther Gebel’s Second Cousin. Whenever The Schwang makes an appearance in public, he needs to be ensconced in celebrity. While Deena may be known in the world of female body building, The Schwang requires some additional celebrity accompaniment. Gunther Gebel was one of the most famous circus performers in the history of the universe. Then he died. His tiger taming abilities have yet to be matched. His second cousin’s niece (”Lucy”) shares Gebel’s striking hair and facial features. Lucy also brandishes a whip and is not afraid to use it.

1.4 Professional Clown-Like Entertainer. Barpho The Magnificent (”Barpho”) is on the cutting edge of professional clowning. The Schwang tends to get bored at public events. Therefore, The Schwang will hire Barpho in advance to act as an entertainer for the boring moments of The Event. The Schwang generally runs a tab with Barpho so that The Schwang may summon Barpho at a moment’s notice to be on hand for entertainment. Barpho tends to frighten children, so it is advisable that You keep children away from Barpho as his behavior cannot be predicted. Being that Barpho’s identity and even gender are unknown, Barpho’s date with The Schwang will be completely platonic. The Schwang doesn’t do androgyny.

1.5 A Doctor. The Schwang tends to gorge himself on food at drink at these types of events, especially if there is an open bar. The Schwang takes his gluttony to such an extreme, that he keeps his personal physician, Dr. Guillermo Guadalupe (”Dr. Guadalupe”) close at hand. While Dr. Guadalupe is not a classically trained, elitist “medical” physician, he is The Schwang’s life coach and boxing instructor. The Schwang trusts Dr. Guadalupe with his life. If necessary, Dr. Guadalupe with be paired with Barpho for the purposes of dancing.

2. TRANSPORTATION AND AMBULATION

2.1 Arrival. The Schwang will arrive at The Event in a stretch Hummer limo with a hot tub inside. The Hummer has five man-servants whom will need to be fed. The food need not necessarily be from the wedding; it merely needs fall within the legal definition of food.

2.2 The Schwang does not generally walk under his own power. To move from the front door to the room in which The Event will be held, The Schwang will be conveyed by pony-drawn mini-carriage. This will also be the means by which The Schwang travels to the restroom facilities throughout the evening. During The Event itself, The Schwang will move about the room by means of Segue person-mover device, generously donated by Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club. Being that the source of the Segue is the previously stated company, You should be cognizant of the fact that the Segue will display advertisements which some might consider raunchy.

3. FOOD CONSUMPTION

3.1 A Formal Meal. The Schwang will require a full traditional Scandinavian seventeen (17) course meal to be served to him and his entourage. The exact components of the meal can be negotiated at a later time with one exception; three of the courses must consist solely of puddings. Preferably, one pudding course should be served in an inflatable children’s pool.

3.2 Food Restrictions. When selecting the menu for the meal served at The Event, special precautions must be taken with regard to the food allergies of The Schwang and members of his entourage. The Schwang has a gluten allergy and a nut allergy. Barpho is lactose intolerant, which is how he originally got his name. Deena only consumes concentrated protein shakes, and Dr. Guadalupe is a vegan. The ponies will need to be fed organic oats.

4. MISCELANY

4.1 Canine Accompaniment. The Schwang does not travel anywhere without his dog, Spanky. Spanky is The Schwang’s prize rottweiler. Thus, The Schwang will be bringing Spanky to The Event. Spanky’s thyroid condition has not improved, and his putrid odor has worsened with age. The Schwang will require a special pen to house Spanky in the same room as The Event. Spanky gets too emotional if not in the same room as The Schwang. Also, Spanky suffers from depression and dissociative disorder, so he may attempt to disrupt The Event. Spanky is relatively docile and friendly excepted when excited, nervous, irritated, happy, sad, hungry, satiated, tired, or discombobulated. Spanky also does not like loud noises, so You agree to keep the ambient noise level of The Event low. You also agree to be patient with Spanky.

LIMITATION ON REMEDIES; NO CONSEQUENTIAL OR OTHER DAMAGES. Your exclusive remedy for any breach of this WAA is as set forth below. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES, if The Schwang or his entourage causes disruption to The Event, make some sort of physical mess, generate some violence, or do not properly clean after the service animals.

ALSO, THERE IS NO WARRANTY OR CONDITION OF TITLE, QUIET ENJOYMENT, QUIET POSSESSION, CORRESPONDENCE TO DESCRIPTION OR NON-INFRINGEMENT WITH REGARD TO THE ATTENDANCE OF THE SCHWANG TO THE EVENT.

17. EXCLUSION OF INCIDENTAL, CONSEQUENTIAL AND CERTAIN OTHER DAMAGES. TO THE MAXIMUM EXTENT PERMITTED BY APPLICABLE LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL THE SCHWANG OR HIS ENTOURAGE BE LIABLE FOR ANY SPECIAL, INCIDENTAL, PUNITIVE, INDIRECT, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES WHATSOEVER (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF CONSORTIUM OR CONFIDENTIAL OR OTHER INFORMATION, FOR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION, FOR PERSONAL INJURY, FOR LOSS OF PRIVACY, FOR FAILURE TO MEET ANY DUTY INCLUDING OF GOOD FAITH OR OF REASONABLE CARE, FOR NEGLIGENCE, AND FOR ANY OTHER PECUNIARY OR OTHER LOSS WHATSOEVER) ARISING OUT OF OR IN ANY WAY RELATED TO THE ATTENDANCE OF THE SCHWANG TO THE EVENT OR HIS INABILITY THEREOF. FURTHERMORE, SHOULD THE SCHWANG BECOME NAKED AT THE EVENT, AND VIEWING THIS NUDITY SCARS YOUR SOUL, NEITHER THE SCHWANG NOR HIS ENTOURAGE WILL BE LIABLE FOR YOUR COSTS RELATING TO RELIGIOUS COUNSELING.

21. ENTIRE AGREEMENT; SEVERABILITY. This WAA (including any addendum or amendment to this WAA which will be presented by The Schwang at The Event) is the entire agreement between you and The Schwang relating to the The Schwang’s attendance of The Event and they supersede all prior or contemporaneous oral or written communications, proposals and representations with respect to the Schwang’s attendance of The Event or any other subject matter covered by this WAA. To the extent The Schwang makes statements in conflict with the terms of this WAA while obnoxiously drunk and naked at The Event, or while in a steroid induced rage and naked at The Event, the terms of this WAA shall control. If any provision of this WAA is held to be void, invalid, unenforceable or illegal, the other provisions shall continue in full force and effect.